my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
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[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing