My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
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[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
is this how new cars are made??
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.