Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
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uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
so this horse walks into a bar
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Cat is stressing him out.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.