How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
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Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Put the is in disheveled
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.