“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
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I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.