“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
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My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all