It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
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I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?