Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
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My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Worlds greatest photobomb
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.