Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
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The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA