We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
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Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Not today. 😅
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
My apartment is a mess, I should move
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged