Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
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I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.