Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
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Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.