*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
You Might Also Like
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Sending in my taxes
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!