I hope they boil the right one.
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blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.