At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
You Might Also Like
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.