Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
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yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.