Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
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Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”