If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
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<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.