My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.