making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
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Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Husband of the year 😂
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray