My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
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I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Cardio Made Easy
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?