Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
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Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”