google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
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*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Somebody call the cops.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.