[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
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Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I found your tweet-up…
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U