America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
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I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.