Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
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[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Okay
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.