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The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Name this drama.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
We’ve all been there…
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
you stereotypes are all alike
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me