The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
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As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Autocorrect is my menesis
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.