Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
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If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.