cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
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I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.