I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
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*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
President The Rock Obama
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?