Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
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ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.