DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
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My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?