FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
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Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I love the honesty
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King