Writing, She Murdered.
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DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?