Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
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[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.