#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
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If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
oh shit
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]