Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
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*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Them: You should try keto
Me:
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
me opening up to someone
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist