I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
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Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes