james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
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It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Cat is stressing him out.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away