Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
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If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My hips? Compulsive liars.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot