“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
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90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time