Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
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The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I was just discussing this with my cat
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Me trying to look natural in photos
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”