me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
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8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Morning my dudes.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes