Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
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In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Mad Max Arctic Road
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave