Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
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Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.