A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
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ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.