I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Me sliding into hell like
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Yeah. This was me today.
stop
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*