Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
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First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad