Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
You Might Also Like
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
when you are just born a rebel
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Cucumbers Anonymous
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
What about a To-Don’t List?
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out